Dear Max, Maggie, Stela and Baby Boy,

Two weeks ago your aunt Darsha called me in tears. Something bad had happened. She didn't know what to do. She was scared and sad. I talked her through as best I could and told her to call her friend who lives a few houses away to come be with her. She did. And then they called another friend. It was so hard for me to be so far away at that moment. All I wanted to do was to be with her. I almost jumped in the car, but it is a 10 hour drive and didn't seem smart. So I looked up airline tickets. And I called your aunt Gwenna. She got in the car right away and headed to our house. I called Darsha to let her know that I told Gwenna. And that we were coming first thing in the morning. I thought she might tell me not to come, that she would be okay. But she didn't. She said okay. And then she told her friends, "It's my sisters. They are coming in the morning." It took me back to another time. When your aunt Joydell called me to tell me that she had a bad reaction to the new experimental chemo medication. And a team was coming the next day to talk to her about her options. I knew before she did that it was the palliative care team and they were coming to talk to her about stopping treatment. Again, I hated to be so far away. For so long she had told us she was okay and she didn't need us to come. I told her I would make some calls and I called Darsha and Gwenna to coordinate when we could come. I told her two of us would be there in 4 days and one would come the next week. When she replied, "That long?" I got on the computer and booked tickets and Gwenna and I flew out the next day.

My beautiful kids, I think the greatest gift I have given and will ever give any of you is each other. Family is everything. Darsha and Joydell both have/had lots of friends. They weren't alone. But at times like that what you really want and need is family. I pray that you will each be blessed with friends that are like family. You need those too. And they will be a great blessing in your life. But nothing really replaces family. And I pray that if or when one of you gets into a bad situation or has tragedy strike that your first call will be to one of the others. And that the other three of you will be on the next flight out to be there. If I can raise you to be friends, best friends, and to support each other, so your first phone call is to each other, and so when you get that call you want nothing more than to drop everything and be on the next flight out, then I will have succeeded as a mom. Because I will have given you the greatest gift you could possibly have.

I called my mom from Darsha's house and she thanked me for being there with her. It felt wrong to be thanked. It was where I wanted to be. My reply to my mom was, "I love family". I do. And I pray that the four of you will too.

I love you guys!!!!! Love each other.

Love,
Mama   

Happy 1st Birthday

Dear Stela,

Earlier this week we celebrated your first Birthday. We just had a little party with our little family. I didn't invite other people over, partly because things have been too crazy and partly because now that we are a family of 5 we are kind of a party all our own. I made you a birthday banner and a cake. Maggie and Max drew pictures for you to hang up and bought you balloons and a present. They were so excited! You did a great job of making a mess of your cake and you were so happy doing it. You have three teeth right now and your smile is adorable. You are learning to walk and can take a few steps at a time. You say Mama, Dada (you love your dada!), hi (with a wave) and Uh-oh (which is the word you use for your binki). I am totally in love with you. I can't stop kissing you. Your face is the most beautiful thing to me and every time I look at it I am in awe that you are mine and I get to be your mama.

When I was in the hospital with you a year ago there were so many mother's day commercials on the TV. It was as if the whole world was celebrating your birth with me. I am so honored to be your mom. I feel so blessed and so humbled that He sent you to me. I look forward to a life time and an eternity of watching you grow and loving you.

I love you baby girl!

Love,
Mama

Dear Stella,

I'm sorry I don't get to write to you very often in here. Trust me when I say it is not that I have any less that I want to say to you or any less touching moments with you. It's just that I am so busy trying to take care of you and your brother and sister, and now growing a new baby for our family. I'm trying to keep up with it all, and I really do love it, so, so much! I just want to let you know that I adore everything about you. So many times when I am rocking you to sleep I will look at you and try to take it all in. And I will think, "It was you all along". I think back to the time when you were growing in my belly and I didn't know if you were a boy or a girl. I didn't know you yet. And I look at you now and think, "It was you. It was you all along". I am delighted that it was you! I loved you from the moment you were born and I met you. Really met you. Of course I loved you even before you were born. But once I met you and knew it was you the love just was instant and strong and so true. You are a little ray of sweetness and sunshine in my life. You are lovely. That is the word that always comes to mind when I think of you. Lovely.

I finally wrote your song a few weeks ago. It goes like this: Stela, Stela, you're my baby. Stela, Stela, I love you. Stela, Stela, you are lovely. Stela, Stela, a dream come true.

And you really are a dream come true. I love you!!!

Love,
Mama

Dear Stella,

Here is a letter that I wrote you your brother today recounting his experience the day you were born. I thought it was so sweet and want to you know about it too. Here it is:

Dear Max,

Today you picked out a shirt that Jay had given you with a picture of The Regular Show on it. You told me you liked that show and you watched it the day I went to the hospital with Stella (for her to be born). I was surprised and said, "You remember what you watched that day?" You nodded and said you remembered because it was a special day. I then thought I would ask you if you remembered something else from that day that we never talked about. We didn't know if Stella was a boy or a girl before she was born. You really wanted a boy. So today I said that I thought you were hoping Stella would be a boy and you agreed. So then I asked you what you thought or how you felt when you found out she was a girl. I remember the moment we told you and it breaks my heart to think about it because you got really sad for a moment and snuggled in with daddy. But we never talked about it for some reason. When I asked you about it today you paused for just a few seconds and then said, "I just fell in love." And you smiled when you said it and were so sincere. And you really do love Stella. Dear Max you are such a good big brother! I wish I could give you a brother because I think every one should have a brother and a sister. You might not get that. But you do have two amazing sisters. And they are so lucky to have an awesome brother like you.

I love you little man!

Love,
Mama

You really are loved by that brother of yours. And the two of you are so much alike. Neither of you are snuggly babies for example.You light up when he comes in the room and he lights up when he sees you. It is very sweet and makes my mama heart happy and I hope your adoration for each other continues forever.

I love you baby girl!

Love, Mama

Dear Stela,

I took you to get your nine month pictures last night. Technically though you had just turned 10 months. You wouldn't believe how adorable you were so I will put some pictures here to show you. So adorable! Everyone at the studio was in love with you. You were so good. You were really tired because it was your bedtime. And it took you a while to warm up to what was going on. But oh you were sweet! And so cooperative that we got done early. Aside from how adorable you are, there was another thing I noticed when I looked at the pictures. You are growing. I have been thinking this whole time that you are so tiny. But when I look at the pictures I see a grown baby who can crawl and stand and understands so much. I saw little thigh rolls and feet that are still little but not so tiny as they used to be. Oh Stela, I am so glad you are my baby. I have loved watching you grow these past 10 months. I am looking forward to the next 10 months and 10 years and eternity with you.

Love,
Mama

Dear Stela,

You are hilarious! In church on Sunday daddy had to take you out of the class because you were playing peek a boo with his phone and you had the whole class distracted. Daddy described it as "an intense" game and I can only imagine the giggles you must have had. You are so ready to laugh and at 8 months old have an amazing sense of humor. I was trying to put you to bed the other night and you initiated the game where I put your binki in and then pull it out. You think it is hilarious! I tried to stop the game by holding the binki in but then you would push it out with your tongue or jerk your head back to get it out. I had no idea how I would ever get you relaxed enough to sleep but I finally just gave in and played and played the game with you. You were laughing so hard. And then all at once you sucked the binki in, closed your eyes and went to sleep. In an instant. Oh you are so easy to love! I am so excited to learn more about your personality as you grow up!

I love you,
Mom

Dear Stela,

I'm so sorry I don't get to write to you often. I'm just so busy with three kids! Plus work and keeping a house and all that other stuff. It's a shame I haven't been able to write more because you are such a lovely thing and I adore you with all my heart, and then some! We have been back and forth on your name. Not your name actually, but the spelling of it. On your birth certificate it is spelled with two l's and on your blessing certificate just one. I think your daddy prefers one, the Czech way, and I prefer two, for no particular reason. Other than it is stellar with out the r which is exactly what I think you are! Seriously, you are wonderful! You are a happy and content baby. You used to sleep through the night, but now not so much. But you do go to bed with out a fuss. Since you may be my last I was hoping you would go slowly and take your time moving from one thing to the next. No such luck. You want to go, go, go and move quickly from one developmental milestone to the next. You love your tummy. I wondered if I could make a baby that loved her tummy so I gave you tummy time. I'm not sure if that is it or not but I got a baby that loved her tummy. One of my favorite memories of you was at your 4 month doctor appointment. You laid on your tummy with your arms pushed up and head lifted the entire visit. You just twisted your head and body enough to follow Dr Fox wherever he went. He was amused by it too. Something about a 4 month old tracking his every move made him laugh. You learned to roll over on my Birthday. Happy Birthday to me! You were three and a half months old. Then when you were five months old you sat on your own. And at just under 7 months you started army crawling. Just a week ago you started doing the real thing and I love to watch it. But it won't last long because the next day you discovered that you could pull yourself to standing and now that is what you do. Constantly. On anything that looks like it will work. And if the surface you are using is just right you start to inch your feet around. Cruising. Furniture walking.  I'm sure that real walking won't be far behind because I have learned the pattern with you.

You are a gorgeous baby. You get compliments all the time. People frequently will comment that you are just such a pretty baby. You don't have any hair. Never did. It's slowly coming in. I will love when you have it, but I think you are perfect just the way you are. You also get compliments because you are so happy and friendly. You have a smile that is contagious. Oh how I love it! Seriously baby girl, I just couldn't be happier with you. I still shake my head sometimes when I  think about you being a girl because I was so sure you were going to be a boy. I would have loved a boy. Of course I would have. But I look at you and my heart swells with the feeling that you are exactly the baby I wanted. I am so blessed! You and your sister and brother make my life so happy. And busy. And every day I am so grateful for you.

I love you baby girl! My little Stel(l)a!

Love,

Mom