Dear Stela,

You are the sweetest little baby that ever existed! I adore you so much! I think it is in part due to the fact that by the third kid I kind of know what I am doing, but also it is a good chunk that you are pure perfection! You smile now. A lot. And recently you started cooing. It is so cute to see you finding your voice. I notice it so much with you because you don't make much noise otherwise. You very rarely cry so hearing sound out of you is unexpected. And then the sounds that do come from you are so, so sweet. You are especially happy in the mornings. But just now as I was putting you to sleep you kept smiling and cooing. I would look down and see eyes closed. And then the next time I would look you would be smiling. When I smiled back you cooed. My heart melted. The first time you did it tonight you were almost asleep and I kissed your forehead. A big smile spread across your face. I guess at 7 weeks old you already understand that a kiss on the forehead means is a symbol of pure love. You are the best baby girl! I love you so much and I am so excited to be your mama and to watch you grow and spend so much time with you.

Love,
Mama

PS Did I tell you that you are sleeping through the night? You have been doing it for a couple of weeks now. You sleep from about 10pm to 5am. Amazing! It could have something to do with me reading all those books about French parenting when I was pregnant with you and the ways their babies "do their nights" by two months old and the tricks and technics I learned. But it could also have something to do with the fact that you are just a sweet, sweet baby. Either way, I love you for it!

Dear Stela,

I got to spend some quality time with you tonight after Max and Maggie went to bed. I hate to say it, but I don't get to spend much quality time with you. It makes me feel bad. I'm so busy trying to attend to the needs of three kids and I don't get to love on you as much as I wish I could. But tonight I did and it was wonderful. You are wonderful. You are such a great baby! You have already slept through the night three times! When people as how you are I answer either, "I dream come true" or "perfection". I just adore you! Tonight while I was talking to you I started thinking about what you will do with you life. What it holds in store for you. What adventures you will have. I don't know. But I do have a strong feeling that you are someone very special. I think often of that impression I had of you the night before you were born. I know that you are a very special spirit that was ready to come down and start your mortal life. I'm not saying that I think you will be the next Joan of Arc (although I'm not saying you won't either). What I feel is that even if you live a perfectly "ordinary" life it, or rather you, will be something extraordinary. You just are. I feel it. And "perfectly ordinary lives" are filled with magic and bravery and triumphs, the stuff that fairy tales and adventure movies are made of. You are only 6 weeks old and already you are everything I could ever dream of you being. You are just....... wonderful.

I love you baby girl!

Love,
Mama

Dear Stela,

You smile now. You did it for the first time yesterday. And you did it once today. It is like I am addicted and I need me some Stela smiles right away. And always. Your smiles are the best drug ever!

Mama

Dear Stella,

Today was your blessing day. It was perfect! Such a beautiful day. I sewed you a dress and I stayed up late last night finishing it. It was safety pinned closed because I didn't get the buttons done, but other than that it turned out great. And you looked beautiful in it. You woke up and ate just in time for us to get you dressed and to church on time. You were awake but calm during your blessing. Daddy gave you a beautiful blessing.  He talked about how lucky you were to be born in the gospel and into a family that loved you and would take good care of you. He talked about how much your brother and sister love you and that they will be your protectors in life and help you when needed. And he said that I was a compassionate and loving mother and that I would be a good example to you. (I do love you so much and have nothing but an overflowing heart of affection for you and I will do my best to take care of you, always and forever!). He also talked about your extended family and friends and just in general how many people love you and will be there for you to help you in your life. It was a very beautiful and very touching blessing. Lots of family and friends came to be with us for your blessing, including grandma and grandpa, Gwenna, Gar and family, Nathan and family, Travis and family, Militza and family, Janet and her family, Meg and her family and Jenn and Jake. I bore my testimony. I talked about the contrast in emotions and experiences I experienced the last year as I grieved Joydell's passing and anticipated your birth. I talked about how much the gospel supported me throuh both experiences and how much I learned through both experiences. And expressed my gratitude for family and that part of God's plan. I love the family I grew up in and I love the little family that I am creating of my own. I expressed my gratitude for the answers the gospel gives us, even though there are still so many questions. And I mentioned that strong impression I had the night before you were born about what the experience was like for you as you prepared to get a body and come to Earth for your mortal life. You fell asleep and I got to hold you and rock you through the rest of the meeting. After church we had a brunch with family and friends that came to your blessing. We had it at a park and it was such a nice day and the park was calm and peaceful and it was so good to be with family and friends and relax together. When we came home you and I took a nap on "the big bed" together. When we woke up we spent time with daddy and Max and Maggie and it was nice. The whole day was nice. It was beautiful. It was perfect. You are beautiful and you are perfect, so it was a fitting way to celebrate your birth and blessing.

I love you so much baby Stella! My heart swells whenever I look at you. I am so grateful that I get to be your mama. I'm so grateful that I get to have you as my baby and hold you and feed you and change your diapers and wipe your spit up and have your fingers wrapped around mine. I love everything about you and I am so grateful you are mine! Forever and always.

Love,
Mama

Happy Due Date!

Dear Baby,

Happy Due Date! I was sure you were going to be born early and I would have an April baby, but it looks like you will be a May baby after all. My pregnancy with you has been great, I can't complain, but it has been a little harder on my body than my first two pregnancies (because I am getting old!) and at times I have been anxious to be done being pregnant. I have hated feeling that way because I love the miracle of creating life and the closeness I feel having you grow inside me. Last night I was laying in bed thinking about how your due date would be the next day and realizing that this time next week (if not much sooner) I would be holding you on the outside of my body. At that moment you moved softly inside my tummy and I felt such a special feeling of the exact phase of the journey we are on and the beauty of being pregnant with you. I'm excited to meet you, but for now I am going to cherish the amazing experience of carrying you in me and helping you grow with all the good food (and sometimes not so "good") food that I eat. It is nice to have you with me everywhere and to be so connected to you.

I love you baby. I hope to meet you soon!

Love,
Mama

Dear Baby,

It is about time for you to be born. I am ready. Or as ready as I can be. It seems like you have been growing in me forever. It is sweet for me to think back to that day in early August when I learned about you. It was a beautiful day. My grief about losing my sister was still so fresh and the thought of a new life growing inside of me filled me with so much hope and something happy amidst my sorrow. I know God is the one in charge of sending you to me, but it sort of felt like my sister had something to do with it too. And now, nine months later it is time for me to meet you. In a lot of ways I still don't really comprehend that you are coming. Sometimes I look down at my tummy in motion and think in awe that there is a baby in there. I try to wrap my head around it, but I can't. Still, I know that I will love you. Instantly. And more and more each day. I know that you will bring so much joy to my life. I have all the anxiety that comes with welcoming a new baby into your life, but I know that I will never ever regret having you. I already love you. You are already mine.  I will miss you being inside of me, but I will love having you in my arms.

I hope to meet you soon baby!

Love,
Mama

Dear Baby,

Sometimes it hits me that I am going to have a new baby. Like the other day when I was in a meeting at work and you were moving so much that my belly was visibly moving. I was in awe as I watched it and suddenly it hit me: There's a baby in there! You would think that 8 months into the pregnancy I would understand this clearly by now but it is something that is strangely hard to wrap my head around. After the amazement of realizing there is a baby inside my belly comes a new even more powerful realization. You are not just a baby, you are another Max and another Maggie, which is to say that you are a little person that is going to rock my world and weave your way so much into my heart that I will sometimes have to catch my breath when I think of the wonderment that you are mine.

I'll be meeting you soon baby and I am excited! Are you a boy or a girl? Will you have hair? How big will you be? What will your name be? I'm so excited to learn these things and to hold you in my arms and start getting to know the amazing little person that you already are.

I love you baby!!!!!

Love,
Mom

Dear Baby,

I had a doctor's appointment today. I hate to say it (especially because I am number 9. 9!) but by the third pregnancy things start to feel kind of routine. I remember the first OB appointment I went to with my first pregnancy I practically ran to the office I was so excited. I would spend the whole wait time reading baby magazines and thinking about the wonder growing inside me. Now I kind of have it down and I know what to expect. And while I still get excited every time to hear your heartbeat and hear that everything looks good the excitement and wonder is just not the same. I had a really busy day at work today. I thought all about work on my way to Dr Macy's office and my mind was turning some things over when I walked into the building. I walked up the stairs and when I opened the door to the clinic a smell hit me and with it the magic of an OB office returned. It was instant. And awesome. Something about the smell and the atmosphere made me feel like I was there for my first time again. The feeling stayed with me through the entire visit. I loved it. And really, how could something as incredible as growing a baby in your body, feeling the little kicks and movements, creating a human that you will love more than life itself ever become routine? Impossible!

I love you my little miracle! I love that I get to grow you inside of me. I love that you are a unique little human and while I don't know what your specific uniqueness is (or even if you are a boy or a girl) I know that I will love you and give my all to you and be your biggest fan.

Being a mom is an amazing privilege. Thanks for letting me be yours.

I love you!
Mom

Dear Baby,

I am starting to feel you move more and it is so exciting for me. It makes you seem more real. I was worried because I didn't feel you move for the longest time. During my ultrasound they confirmed that the placenta is attached to the front of my uterus which makes it harder to feel the baby. I was so sad to hear this. Feeling the baby move is one of my favorite parts of pregnancy. It is such an amazing feeling. The doctor said I would feel you eventually, but it would always feel a little "blunted" because the placenta is like a big pillow. Now I feel you quite a bit and I love it.

I'm wondering more and more if you are a boy or a girl. I'm not sure I like this whole being surprised thing. I was feeling pretty sure are a boy. But then last night I had a dream that I had a baby girl and now the feeling of a baby girl is fresh in my mind so I'm not sure anymore. I know that either way I will be so happy and I will love you to pieces. Your brother will too, but it might not be as instant of an adjustment for him as it will for me if you are a girl. He is convinced you are a boy. He spent all say in nursery last week telling his teachers about his new little brother that was coming. He was so sure of it that the teachers were surprised to learn that we hadn't actually learned if you were a boy or a girl. But Max loves Maggie to pieces so I am sure that either way you will be loved by him too.

Keep growing baby.  I love you!

Mom